Non Presents

Christmas is a confusing time! People used to ask me all the time: “What present do a I get for my kids?” “What present do I get for my wife?” “What present do I get for my dog?” Just this one time of the year, everyone suddenly lets go of that strange compunction humans have towards having money, and it does not compute. Does not compute at all.

Now the songs are on the radio, all through the office, and I’m more confused than before because my circuits just don’t have room for remembering if Frosty is the one with the shiny nose. This body has such limited storage space…

And now, the questions have started. “What do I get for my parents?” Not asked at me, but I do hear them. Well, Belinda, if you asked me I would say to ring your local pest control experts in Berwick, because that’s where you live and four days ago you said that you wouldn’t be able to have Christmas at your parents’ house because they had an infestation of ants. So…I’m sure having the ants cleared out would be something they appreciate? Or is pest control not appropriate as a Christmas gift? See, this is what gives me the mechanical headaches. Pest control is something your parents need, they want it, and apparently they have not got it. Like scarves and gadgets, this seems like the perfect thing to wrap up and put under the tree, although you can’t really put pest control under the tree, except why are we putting anything under a tree anyway?? Under a tree is an inappropriate place for electronics, as many presents are.

This is why Christmas does not compute. I cannot accept these strange traditions. There is a tree inside the office and reams of golden material, and I do not know its practical purpose. Your parents having a problem with ants and you calling some pest control companies does not ‘count’ as a present because…it doesn’t go in an attractively-presented box? How silly.